@Yeezeus' timeline on Twitter .. 1 of 2
Tweets
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"1,000,000" has the same number of characters as "a million"--such are the valuable lessons Twitter teaches us.
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I star a few incomprehensible tweets again & now I expect the usual mail from NASA with the statement:“Your stupidity is visible from space”
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I know this is all very untoward, but I'd like to request a privilege of speaking to Turtle. Alone.
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Grape Soduh or Abe Vigoda? “There wouldn't be a Nickelback problem if Canada had a sales tax.”
#notsure -
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Instead of speaking during the trial of a deadbeat, I'm going to make a mix-cd, play it over the PA system & crowd surf my way out the door.
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Beauty is everywhere, intelligence takes many forms, common sense is better than money but kindness is the sexiest quality of all
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Never pay the ferryman until you get to the other side & off the fucking boat.
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And then there are those who retweet bitter and mean tweets. WTF.
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The voices in my head are usually having sex & sometimes they let me watch. I asked once why the ball gag was so big, but they ignored me.
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It must suck for curiosity to just sit around waiting for the cat to be done fucking up 8 times.
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Found out I have nothing funny, insightful, sarcastic,meaningful, or witty to say. You have been warned. Hell, that's hardly worth typing.
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Just made a mountain out of a mole hill and the villagers are bowing at my feet and showering me with gifts. Wrong again, grandma. -
~Don’t hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love. - Leo Buscaglia ♥
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Here we are just floating around in space without Spock just wondering where our next freaky orgy is going to come from. captain out
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Sorry Twitter - I blamed you for my failings. I should take more responsibility. - the sentiment that could end Twitter -
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And the day is gonna go not according to my plans. As usual.
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You want to start slinging emoticons? Bring it. I will smiley face the shit outta you.
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Some days Twitter is just too stupid, even for me.
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One time a gave a woman an orgasm by.......... Who yelled "bullshit"?
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The only thing that impresses me anymore is kindness.
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I threw a bunch of peas out of a sauce pan one time so yeah I have a podcast. HAHAHAHA. See what I did there?
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The only thing that keeps the cosmetics industry in business is the fact that women don't realize how lonely I truly am.
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Remember when you were little and it was cute when you said I love you to someone and then you grew up it became creepy? No? Only me then.
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You never know where you put that dirty diaper in the night til you look at your computer and find all your friends shitfaced.
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Can I live tweet Duck Dynasty cause they're on a team-building adventure and some of y'all could use it.
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Just because Favstar blocked me, you didn't have to forget me.
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It's like happy people are just begging to be openly mocked.
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"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." Nelson Mandela
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I go on the offensive at the dentist's & say if I have a new cavity, it must be because of that last, crappy toothbrush she gave me.
#ftwot -
I don't mean to brag, but.. I used to not know shit from shinola. Now, I do. Guess why? You got it, Sparky. Got 'em all nametags.
#tbot -
We only need 7,648 more "Likes" to get to 10,000!!! WooHoo...How hard can that be??? :)
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Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe ♥
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The Dude abides while the Crüe decides whether to let Tommy back in the group, or just let the new guy keep playing drums.
#tbot -
Imagine the courage of the person who disdains popularity for individuality. Now imagine that person loving me. I do. -
If you're reading this, I'm pretty sure you can make a big difference in someone's life. Maybe even today, if you chose to.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status. -
I love being asked to do stuff I'm in no way qualified for. Like talk to people.
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At Bed Bath and Beyond shopping with my mom. When we got to the bedding, she said that she forgot they had that here. It's in the name...
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Why do fuckers start twitter fights? Don't you have enough people that hate your stupid ass in real life?
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I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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My 17yo has reached manhood. He has mastered the art of doing every fuckin thing I ask him to do wrong so I just do it myself.
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Hey guys after a breakup, be positive. Don't look at it as "losing a girlfriend." Look at it as "gaining the left part of your brain."
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U too can accidentally start a trash can grease fire that everyone thinks u purposely set because of previous issues with incendiary devices
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I was just told I shouldn't say things about where Hoffa may be found, so, I will not tell u he's currently enjoying a burrito on Bagley Ave
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He who has the most trophies...let me try that again. He who has the most trophies...
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Truthful Tuesday. Twitter is only fun when you're not competing.
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"I know people keep pushing your buttons, but you're going to have to just learn to accept it," I told the microwave.#tbot -
I'm glad that FF crap never caught on.
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I read a few of my recent tweets to see if they suck as bad as the skywriter flying by is trying to say. Not sure. My headache's new.#tbot -
I’m not a rock star from Mars, but I have been banned from there.. For teaching Rover to roll over.#tbot -
The employee of the month left work early. Like a boss. # thugstyle#tbot -
Tried to put on my happy face. But either my head grew or it shrunk. My smile looked like a tribal nose ring poking up my nostrils.#tbot -
I told 'em that it was unsanitary, but funny money would not get down. It insisted on pitching a counterfeit.#tbot -
I want to correct a common misconception--walking around the city with an exotic bird on your shoulder will never get you pussy.
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I knew it’d be Frodo wasting that tolkien he had & those he'd find playing same ring toss game badly 'til he lost his mind. Probably.#tbot -
Always do right – this will gratify some and astonish the rest. - Mark Twain ♥
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When my 1 non-crap tweet’s at 99% complete, Twitter’s app zaps it. I told Gov. Jesse V my coincidence theory. He said my math sucks.#tbot -
They count from A to Zebrah and have trouble with the clasp.. I smell a frat.
#tbot -
Here is our gig calendar for the remainder of May. Come party with us soon!
@TICMusic#FF pic.twitter.com/i1kcqdmZ3I -
I'm tryin'not use credit card.Not by dogmatism.I can’t stand the guilts that follow,who giggling ironically like a flock of bimbos in myHead -
Over the counter medications for severe mental disturbances would take out the embarrassing necessity for a full evaluation by a doctor.
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Jed’s A Millionaire band: “Cottonfields”.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RZh4j6HKZE&sns=tw … via
@youtube -
Everyone tries to out do everyone else on Twitter only to end up committing Twittercide. -
Five. Five flusher. Five flusher footlong.
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If we all put our heads together we'd look strange.
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Problems are loyal.
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The occupational therapy doesn't work in all cases.Sometimes is so pointless than the discussions between Donald Trump & his hairdresser.
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I wore a tie today, My dogs were very concerned - they were waiting for a giant to come take me for a walk.
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I watch the Sunday AM political talk shows once in a while so I'll know who all those people are whose books are in the $4.98 & under rack.
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i dreamed i smelled really good and everybody was talking about it
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if you are in a relationship just try not to think about it
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Listen to your life. All moments are key moments. ~Frederick Buechner ♥ -
The only explanation I can give about what's happening in my life is that my planets fuck each other.
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Twitter is my inside voice's bounce-house. Those things are soundproof, right? RIGHT!?!
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One day I will have my shit together. And then I will frame it.
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Can you be "Less Cool", if you are not cool at all?
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Just been unfollowing a bunch of Tweeps I followed a month ago, who didn't follow me back. 7 were psychics. I'm a bit worried.
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"Progressively worse" is always funnier.
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You know those tweets that are guaranteed to bomb? Trust me, you should send those instead. -
In a free version of the Kamasutra for the IPad, all positions are uncomfortable.
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I always push the Pizza button on the microwave even though I know when I open the door its either gonna be a Frozen Entree or a Beverage.
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Tweet what you like. Retweet what/how you like. Delete what you like. Follow who you like. Unfollow who you like. Block who you like. Qs?
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I dress up like a pirate & walk into a bar but instead of a parrot, I got a cat on my shoulder. And we both ignore you
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Twitter exists to give people a voice that wouldn't otherwise have one. Popularity is either a bonus or just plain shit. Don't be fooled.
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Thanks for everything. ♥ "Resist much, Obey little." ~ Walt Whitman
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Oh, I get it. A bunch of you guys got together and said: "let's tweet shit nobody can comprehend" - lol -
One day I will come back to this place with silly string and end all of these people.
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Life can take you almost anywhere. And here we are.
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Whatever is going to happen will happen, whether we worry or not. - Ana Monnar ♥
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.. "Seed Library" of Pima County Public Library http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asU9ldnJoEk&sns=tw … via
@youtube .. -
I'm trying, to not be angry all the time cuz I'm saving hate for the days that my age will make me look like Chuck Norris without botox.
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In my other world I totally understand what you just said.
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The dude just woke up and... smaaaack. TWO fucking rainbows in your face. In your motherfucking face. I'd be freaking out yo
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Forgive, accept and move the hell on with a smile.
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There’s a whole lot of drinking going on at pants anonymous meetings.
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All of Helen Hunt's roles require extensive nudity because Tom Hanks is still mad at her for not waiting when he was stuck on that island. -
You ever wonder how different Charlie Brown would've been if they'd had T-ball back then?
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You never know what's true on Twitter or in comedy circles until you hang out with these twisted fucks.
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If you star a tweet w/out RTing, it's like saying you like/agree w it but wouldn't like to admit it.
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I delete, eat some chips, poke a hole in the space time continuum, and move on.
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Yes. Another Twitter follower joke. Most of u aren't stand up comics either so until then, I'd like a large fry a fuck off for dessert.
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Thanks for everything ♥ "Life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be." – Grandma Moses -
People who're unknowingly animated simply being themselves are memorable characters exuding vibrance into an otherwise dulling day.
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It's MY garden. Those squirrels are OUT of luck! Narrows eyes* Gardens, are NO place for your nuts! What? Wait. Thinks* Whatever. Send.* -
i learned quickly that you say ok when someone asks how you are and not numb
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You can tell a lot about a person by who they retweet.
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Here goes another gig at a shitty bar. Record crowd. Three people. Man...we're hot shit tonight. Thanks for the support, half urinated man.
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I wonder if people in biblical times held their slingshots all sideways gangster like?
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I can’t fathom how shallow this lake is. I can only 5/6 fathom it.
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I unfollowed you because you're kind of a meanie and now I feel bad because maybe something bad happened to you and you just need some love.
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Life is what you make of it. But there's only so much you can do with a giant pile of shit and some lemons. -
Well Im a college student so I'd have less availability come autumn however, I do love rotisserie chicken so who knows what the future holds -
I don't allow hate in my heart, so if you're big or small, young or old, and you're a bully, then I just don't fucking like you.
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Best decision I ever made was to let myself be happy as often as possible, over as little as possible. Made all the difference.
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I quit Twitter drama club to peruse my dream of becoming a macramé artist. -
So it's agreed then. Static electricity is def the conduit to telepathy. Har har har. That's a good one, Kenny. Fucking spaz. -
Don't want to burst your bubble, but Twitter doesn't give awards for perfect attendance. -
I need sex. I mean monkey sex, spin me round hang from the ceiling, pop a blood vessel, scream so loud I go hoarse sex. I know shut up.
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I usually have a big cup of coffee before I mow the lawn, but I can't find it. I've lost my mow joe. ;-)
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My tattoo of: "Caution - surface is hot" looks stupid now...but when I'm an old woman it's going to be hifuckinglarious.
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My kids all have the same birth defect. They think life isn't fair and that I'm to blame.
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Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to realise that if I worked for 416 years, my tax still wouldn't cover the cost of burying Thatcher.
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“Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it.” ― Nicholas Sparks ♥ -
It's funny how parents can't recall being a kid: "I eat their candy while they're asleep, they don't know." I knew. Every fucking time.
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Take a deep breath.. we're all in this together. -
for being my one true constant companion in life my fuckin *HeadSpace* sure likes to fuck my shit up nothing wrong well fuck gotta get on it
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tinsel hair & a robotic emerald eye catching creepers as they tried 2 undress her with their mortal eyes her giggles turned them into flies -
I am occasionally befuddled.
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Tweet as if 99% of your followers don't read your tweets, because it's true.
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I've already eaten my monthly allotment of nuts.
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Note to self: faith & make up.
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Am I wrong to describe Twitter to a friend as a "massive online burrito update system"?
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Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven't bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.
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anyone can learn from their mistakes, i like to be different.
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If you dig deep enough, there are lots of fresh tweets from great tweeters. Dig.
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Getting family to unfriend you on fb is harder than you'd think.
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I’m in the mood to RT all kinds of stupid shit.
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life, define yourself~H Firestone
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Just over here, maintaining my dragononymity.
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I don't understand airline security. A hippie with an acoustic guitar is more dangerous than an old lady with a cup of water.
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I stayed up for this? This is ALL late-night twitter hasta offer?? Falls over on bed. Fine. Just get it over with.
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I almost certainly fuck things up & get it wrong. Often. Always(?) But my stupid heart's in the right fucking place.
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I once knew a man who made a room out of garage doors & showed films of his wife giving him head. It was odd but the films were fairly good.
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It's just my eyes, nose, phone & fingers sticking out from the covers. So awesome. I'm cozy. You can't see me. It's like we're not here.
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All together and by the numbers. 1-click on a tweet. 2-click on Favorite. 3-click on Retweet, click Retweet. Very good. Now again 1-click... -
You'd appreciate this tweet way more if you could see how handsome I am.
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there I stood watching the sun rise; the morning dew upon my feet. Opps no wait that's my dog. pets head. Good boy, you did it outside!
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What do you mean the world is going to end!? You're on Twitter every day, your world ended 50,000 tweets ago.
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There's a hot guy at this party. I might have to show the girls.
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I’m not sendin'sub tweets.I’m a misunderstood person,like Donald Trump.....The man just tryin'to fix a rockabilly haircut with the wrong way -
I was going to live tweet this Tom & Jerry cartoon where a deranged monkey painter caused a zoo panic by painting Tom as a tiger, but nah.
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I trash Finding Bigfoot, but I'll damned well bet I'll watch them not find bigfoot for another season.
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Guys. I got the shit to make friendship bracelets. You in? -
The only klout I give a shit about is helping other people on here get noticed. Pay it forward.
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A guy just said "You can't win'em all" so I beat him. There's a lesson in that somewhere.
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Heard gary busey's donating his teeth to a needy inuit family to rebuild their igloo after an unfortunate whale grease fire. -
Pencils down. Pass your tweets forward. Class dismissed!
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i think this wasp wants to hear me beatbox.
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Each time you star a tweet without really enjoying it, you lose a bit of your soul, folks. Get it together.
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Where are the clowns? SEND IN THE CLOWNS no no wait, get them the fuck out - just send in one clown that would be fine. -
Love your many pics of different types of cheesy puffs. The ones in your nostrils were particularly hot!
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Going to have regression therapy tomorrow to see if I was EVER scared of those low budget flicks that used closeups of lizards as dinosaurs.
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In life if given the opportunity always trade the cow for the magic beans.
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"The town was famous for its butter and its eunuchs." This book is losing me fast.
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My timeline is discussing the "utter domination of the penniless by the rich". How quaint. Glad to see yall focus on what matters.
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We see much spirited discussion of pop culture. I suppose dung beetles actively debate the relative merits of goat shit and pig shit
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penises from heaven is the way horny angels say hello.
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The humour in a tweet is inversely commensurate with how long it took to jesus fuck this tweet is boring -
I play guitar, get a stupid ass thought, stop, & tweet it. I'm having my own personal episode of Hee Haw.
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No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality.
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ME. No grammar, no punctuation.. I can barely understand half the people I follow. SIS. Why bother? ME. Desperate to feel something. -
I have fallen in love with a fictional character in a book. There I said it.
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They wandered in the forest till they ran into a white haired man with a smile face who beckoned them to join him on his idiot log. They did
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"Can you do me a solid?"....Sure co-worker. Where do want it? On your desk or on your chest?
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"You should have tagged us in mashed potatoes." - Things I've heard recently & just stopped & said "What?"
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I'd rather lift someone up than put them down.
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Twitter is like Ikea. You know how you got into it, but have no idea how you're going to get out.
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Liked a tweet. "Hmm, might be a good one to follow." Checked & they had TONS of followers but only followed 300...elitist. No, thanks.
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attn radio nowhere requesting frogs over
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I really don't want to follow people that steal tweets--not because it's a crime but why can't you think of your own idiot tweets.
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Sooooo I was checkin out this chicks ass when I got on the wrong train.
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There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
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ME. I think he has mental health issues. I'm getting all the signs he's Borderline. GUY AT PARTY. Sorry, are we talking about a turtle?
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I'm known to contaminate crime scenes oafishly trudging through looking for my torn panties.
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The seatbelt sign is off and you are free to move about the weekend...
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I never get RTed. Bullshit. This tweet will get RTed. Cause I know you fucks.
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Who put the ram in the ramalammadingdong?
#BadJeopardyAnswers -
Will you throw a girl a star if I promise to delete these in the morning??
Mojave Phone Booth
System Failure
Dolores
carrot juice straw
BlackWidow
Her R'yl Buffness
Lilly
Gone
Maral Ghanma
Vandal
Blakey Pants
LoveScopes
Copulaterman
Jibber.Ish
blunder rated
Justin Credible
Nickels
Vanilla
Justin Walker™
Travis LeBlanc
Manisha Reddy
Scarlett Fever
gordon
Theodora Chester
Tortured_soul
Cathastrophe
LeeAnne Savage
Allison Sullivan
indie claws
Bitch
Harpy
The_martinigirl
DJ Dishpan Hands
BS
Jesus Jaramillo
Don Pearyawn
Fireman Justin
The Instant Classics
sex out the city, ok
Rotusbrossum
JCM
Evil Schwartzie
Hushpuppy 5¢
Wonder Twin
Amy LeAnn
Scott Taylor
Tanya Johnston
The Dork
ShoutingGoddess
Zeke Kastens
Lolly Sassafras
Sweet Angel
Indian Bread Maker
D๑l๑ur๑usPurplεHæz
L. David Sloane
Dusty Hume
freckle face
Southern Insomniac
FrauFickenDammt
Eminence Front
Just Call Me Frank™©
Kay
Confidamme
ClumzyVixen
Darrin
Chrisanna4real
Gregimo
Wobin
Molly
Anonymous Vagabond
Fondue KnuckleSlap.
Ophelia Croissant
Enrico Palazzo
Susan W
snicky
truly
Rainbow Brite
nerdamage
2High2Care
cynthiazolamOverdose
Lucy
Clipper
H.R. Paper Stacks
Uncle JP the Janitor
Sarah Elizabeth
Fred Zipfel
not so funny bunny
Sonal
VirgoSherry
Jon John
Sly
SpaceSquirrel
osama bininyomamma
HELLRZR
Willowbottom
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 8:32 PM
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